I decided to make this to explain myself alittle bit more, i guess? I dont know. In some way I need to do it. So, here.
One of the few things that I end up doing a lot is to push people away. Its a defense mechanism I think. Half of the time I’m not sure why I end up doing it, I just do. Maybe it’s because I fear losing people by actually showing who I am. I Throughout highschool I tried hiding my true self. I posted a video of me singing, got bullied, never showed my singing voice to anyone again except my best friend. Go to a party, turns out I was there to be made fun of. Some guys say some girl in school liked me so i asked them out, get rejected, and it becomes a big joke. I got ridiculed for quite alot of things and it gave me anxiety to high heaven. I can make friends, but I’ll get extremely anxious about keeping them. Like ‘oh i bored them off’ ‘I weirded them out’ ‘just go with the flow, don’t try to be yourself, thats not cool brah’. Sooo, I do. Until I cave in and burn bridges so I don’t end up having to later from just heartbreak or being just me. So I sit down, shut up, and try to fit in when needed to. But, I realized that I really don’t fit in alot of places. Funny enough, the only place I really fit into is literally a pokemon battle simulator server, which was one of the things I got picked on alot for. So I burned more bridges.
I don’t think I really purposely mean to do it. I mean, it isn’t like I set out to make friends just to mess it all up in the end, I try to make friends infact I love to make friends here, everyone is so cool and nice and sweet… I’m just very scared and worried about it even when there is nothing to worry about… that anxiety itches at me every minute… Which is why I say ‘Sorry’ for Just saying things that are on my mind. Alot of mental abuse from old ‘friendships’ did that to me. And I’m scared to get close. I try, but ig fear always wins in the end. The fear of ‘they dont like me’, ‘im not wanted around’, ‘ill be a bother’, etc. even writing this im like “people will just find me whiney and just would want me to shut up” Because I mean i know i am, and i shouldnt, i should keep to myself because my problems are just stupid shit. God I feel like an attention whore when I dont even want attention. I just… wanted to explain myself. Maybe someone will understand.
So what is your biggest problem? Is there anything that you guys struggle with? Things that make you do something you’re really not wanting to but happens because its something that protects you? Do you have anxiety about certain things? If so what would it be?
I dont mean to be a stick in the mud with this post, I just really wanted to open up about it more since i care about everyone that ive gotten to know and love them, and maybe explain better in this way. But yeah, lets have a conversation.